
About a year ago(ish), I was very unhappy (again) in LA and was thinking seriously about moving (again). 2008 had been my personal year from Hell--
I lost my (great) job TWICE in two months.
I lived in four different apartments from the beginning to the end of 2008--two of which I fled from bad-crazy roommates, the bad-crazier one of which then sued me for money I'd already paid her and she just refused to cash the checks. (And she somehow won--or the judge, not caring, merely split the difference because she added fake charges to it, too.)
And then there was that thing with that guy...
Then I went home for a much needed respite, and didn't get it. I just got more guilt for not being a Christian, not having a boyfriend, and not having a job.
(Did I mention I didn't go home this year? And it was FANTASTIC!)
So back around Februaryish I was doing some real soul-searching. I wanted to GET OUT. But what it eventually came down to is, I hadn't achieved my objective yet, and until I finished that quest I couldn't even know what the next one was or how to go about achieving it (much less leave with a clear conscience). It would have been hitting the "eject" button and seeing where in the atmosphere I landed...
The thing was, I couldn't imagine leaving while I was so lonely. It felt like it would be accepting defeat when I was (I hoped) so close to a victory (although war-weary like nobody's business). My objective in LA, whether knowing it consciously or not from the beginning, was to have a social support system for the very first time in my life.
And now, looking back on the year and forward to the next as is tradition every year's end, 2009 was (although subtly so) a banner year:
--I achieved my objective! Mission Accomplished! Answer: It took me 5 whole years to have a solid support system for the first time in 29.
--I wrote my first full-length play. (which is AWESOME, and which I need to get my butt in gear and rewrite the ending of very soon so I can get a reading up in early '10.)
--I got the savvy and the balls to finally learn to say "no" to guys (not in a lesbian way) until I find something I want instead of trying to hammer something in that doesn't quite fit (not in a hetero way). I mean I don't have a physical list of requirements or anything, more a VERY finely honed yes/no censor.
Which leads to the geek part (in addition to the fact I've been playing Civilization 4 for 3 days straight...and the fact that I've become a much happier person since being outwardly and proudly the geek that I am after hiding it, ashamed, growing up.)--
(And in addition to the fact that after being pummeled a few times, I kicked serious butt last night, leading to a metaphor about how this time it took me five years but I was shooting in the dark, doing something I'd never had the opportunity to accomplish before and now I know what's what it definitely won't take me five years the next time.)--
But before my objective was achieved, I thought that once I achieved it there's no way I could leave Los Angeles because I finally found what I'd been looking for for my entire life.
But AFTER achieving it, I realized that life is much more like a video game. You complete a quest and it falls away, leading you to new quests.
It takes being happy to happily move on, you know?
(for more on my countdown, 30 lessons from lalaland, click
here)